Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
