i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize