I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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