i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
