New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
