im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
