I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
