watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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