I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
