Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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