I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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