I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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