I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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