You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The uberlube is also flammable
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
