you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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