he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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