i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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