I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
where are you?
Hypothermia
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
