you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
