my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
