I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
