were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There's always time for handjobs
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize