I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
