fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
