so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize