Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What a dumb baby whore.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize