so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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