i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
