What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
