I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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