Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
