I cockslap morals
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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