Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We got so high we made milksteak
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
