I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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