I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
