Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize