capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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