We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
