Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
