I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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