PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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