It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
