I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
