You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
