you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
