bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
