I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
