Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize