I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
