Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
