Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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