A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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