why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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