I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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