Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
