Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
