I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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