Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
