Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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