There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
