I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
